Sunday, 22 November 2009

The shadows In My House




















We have been decorating our spare room. Most of the time this is just the spare room but occasionally I can still see the shadows of the past. As we paint, now and again I just glimpse some blue paint, despite it being painted three times already, a little on the skirting and a speck on the ceiling, I see them all. Once this room was blue. Once this room was not spare, it was someones room. Never again will I paint a room blue. There are some things you just can't paint over, like pain and guilt.

On lighter note I hope you like the sunny yellow we painted it. I guess you could call it guilt cover yellow, I think B&Q would do a roaring trade in that. Perhaps they could develop a whole range, Anti-suicide red , Adulterous Aubergine, oh yes I am patenting that colour.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The Dangers Of Bad Speling

Now some of you who receive my comments/verbal diarrhea may have noticed that I cannot spell. No matter how hard I try, I can spell a word differently twice in the same sentence. So I thank god everyday for spellchecker.

In our office we have learnt the dangers of randomly clicking change without reading on spellchecker ,when a letter was sent out which ended in the statement " Sorry for any incontinence caused ".

My dad also has major problems with spelling and coupled with a passion for using unchecked predictive text, his texting can make for very interesting reading. Many times at Christmas he is putting up " Some very fertive decorations". I have also had instruction on how to " conk your marrow on gas mark four " but the last straw came quite recently when he text me to tell me he was "having a cack" in Marks and Spencer's cafe. Dad really restrain yourself.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

The Devil Makes Work for Idle Hands

Well it has finally stopped raining and I have managed to climb back on my trolley but I may well fall off again at any moment. Yesterday we had the worst storms for twenty years with up to ninety miles an hour winds. Me being Einstein decided to go to the sea front and photograph the sea. Well I won't be doing that again, I didn't managed to take anything and had to be rescued from being blown away by the kind folks in the Ford Fiesta. So here is a shot I took indoors. I am struggling with time on my hands at the moment. In the summer I work a forty hour week do an Avon round ( ding dong ), train in the evenings for dancing and then on one of our days off we travel to the mainland, train for three hours then walk two miles back to the ferry.
One night we were traveling to Blackpool for a Comp the next day and the only time I could get a spray tan was after work. Now for anyone who has never walked the path of the paper knickers, tan does not dry instantly like they want you to believe, oh no ,it runs and about half of the top layer washes off the first time you shower. Now on this day I had to have the tan after work and then do my Avon round on foot. The heavens opened and let's say by the third house I looked like the Thriller video and not the Avon advert.
Now the summer season is over and only have about twenty hours work with the weekends off home alone.
At work we are still recovering from " The Monster Mash " day which was when someone decided to do this particular party dance with real mashed potato. As an endorsement for Alba flat screen T.V's they are surprisingly sturdy and can survive having two boxes of instant smash lobed at them by slightly tipsy ( Peed as a fart ) holiday makers.
I have long since given up going out with my friends with small children ( teenagers no problem ) as they always want to do mummy stuff and as a middle aged childless woman you are either looked at with pity or like you are a paedophile, neither of which match my shoes.
So now my hands are feeling a little idle and we all know what happens to idle hands. At least it's only two days a week and I have all my blogger friends to rescue me from drink and fornication.
At least my friend T is back off the Ferries soon which means the devil can make work for both of us. Maybe I can pursued The Colin to take photos of her in her pants!
Sorry I have been a bit rambling today.

Friday, 13 November 2009

and on the fourth day

( photo by Kerrie entitled lost hope in caravan)

and on the third day of rain the woman sent forth the cat from the caravan. The cat looked at her with the hatred only a cat can because he had only got up to do a piss by the ATM machine. Now the cat knew the long and arduous journey that lay ahead to the area by the swings, where the soft bark chippings lay. The woman awaited the cats return with news that mankind was indeed existent beyond this realm....
On the forth day of rain the woman's heart was leaden and hope was almost extinguished. The cat had long since forgotten his promise and was in fact living it up in the tea hut.
It was then that she saw in the distance a glimmer that drew nearer and more luminescent and as it drew she prayed for the god named Bowie. The woman wished for the time she could show Bowie what lay beneath her vesture. The apparition brought new hope, it's reflective jacket bought comfort and the roll of linoleum that it carried ,may well come in handy. The woman and the god known as carpet fitter then went forth and repopulated the earth and mankind would be forever thankful.


Wednesday, 11 November 2009

My Giant Pussy

I have decided to post my photographs on this blog as I want to publish them and I always forget about the blog I started for them.

This aside ,today I decided to turn over a new leaf and stop thinking about sex all the time. So as it has been national The Colin petting week ( feel free to pet your own Colin ) I decided to behave like a decent wife and ask him what he wanted to do.
" A country walk" was forthcoming and after thinking about feigning a leg injury I put on my one pair of sensible shoes...shudder and threw myself into the task at hand. I felt I could use the opportunity to photograph the great outdoors.


Maybe I haven't quite got the hang of this country thing as the things of beauty that caught my eye were these.


Tonight I am cooking with Mr Homepride , yes me cooking. Usually I present my food at the point just somewhere between slightly frazzled and inedible. Tonight Matthew I am going to be delectable. Talking of which I have only been on one, yes I said one, shopping spree this week, on which I bought some festive knickers one pair can be seen top right. I will save the others for another time. How many husbands would photograph your arse so you can put it online and who wants to see my giant pussy..........?


This turning over a new leaf thing is harder than I thought.






Monday, 9 November 2009

It's A Hard Job But Someone Has To Do It

I am sorry that I am turning into a girl with a one track mind but a letter arrived yesterday that made The Colin look up from his jigsaw puzzle.
It's not often that you get a letter from the hospital with such content.


It took me sometime to convince The Colin that this was not the work of myself and the office Panda. He has got a look of fear in his eyes.
I have removed some sections to preserve what is left of my dignity. Please don't think I am trying for children because that is a No, Never and not on your Nelie for me.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Santa Baby Just Slip A New life Under The Tree For Me

Tonight I have Blackpool Tower Ballroom withdrawal , as it's on Strictly Come Dancing. At the moment dancing is the only area of my life that's not giving me a nasty rash.

Anyone who has visited this blog before will probably have seen this coming. As I have a
penchant for re-writing songs to suit my own emotions and I also mentioned this one a couple of blogs ago. This is purely the result of work related boredom, Chriatmasitus Jaffa Cakes and cynicism.

Santa Baby

Santa baby just slip a new life under the tree for me,
Been a nasty old cow,
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight.


Santa baby, even Gin and Tonic will do,
I'm blue,
I'll be up for it dear ,Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've had,
Think of all the times when I've been really bad,
Next year I'll get just as pissed,
If you'd check off my Christmas list.

Santa honey, one little thing I really do ask, a basque,
With some sparkle for me,
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and find my Christmas tree,
In the loft mildewing and it smells of wee,
I wish I could believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me.

Santa baby forgot to mention some loving care,
I swear,
and I don't mean quick on the floor,
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight.

I do hope you know this song, otherwise I will be making even less sense than usual. I'm not as bad as I make out ,honest and thanks to everyone for the advice ( and the love Liam )and I have been supplying The Colin with some petting ( as suggested by Chairman, Kaz and Scarlet ) and eagerly await the results. I do hope you are right.